


Hope you haven't left without me. (The Lost Fic) -Joshler

by Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Depression, I'm so sorry for what you're about to read, Loss of Faith, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Religion, Suicide, migraines, sad stuff, sad warning, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 00:39:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9296600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire/pseuds/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire
Summary: Tyler's religion used to be Christianity.Then it was Josh.He doesn't know what to do when he loses touch with both religions.He just doesn't want to be forgotten.(Yes, I am the original writer of this story on wattpad.)





	

He stared at the mark on his arm.

He just wanted it to _mean_ something again.

Even when it doesn't, even though he just can't believe, he knows he _needs_ it.

The two black lines overlapped each other so elegantly, but so harshly, like when two snow white swans battle over territory.

Tyler used to be a Christian.

He was raised in a house of God. God was all he had really, he was the only one who could fight his dark thoughts off when no one else could. It was like once he walked into church, it was sudden relief. Like.... Like the feeling of birds chirping in the spring. Or what your favorite song looks like.

For years that was his coping mechanism. If that dark thing would return, he'd go to the church and pray. He'd pray for hours at a time if he needed to, and he'd go home able to sleep that night.

But Tyler was _scared_.

He was scared of never being good enough. Having to always present himself as perfect, having to hide his insecurities from the outside world. He was scared of his limits, how a building will always be the furthest he'll make it. He's scared of his bad decisions, how his immaturity might completely destroy him one day.

His fear is eating him alive.

He's simply just a rotting carcass, and his fears are the scavengers slowly picking him apart to the core.

It was like the taste of what you fear lurks in the dark.

Like coal, or almost-acrylic paint; bitter, chalky, rough.

That was fear.

He's scared.

Petrified.

 _Terrified_.

He clenches the rosary desperately in his hand, his knuckles turning white and beginning to feel like receiving bad news.

_Don't abandon me. Don't forget me here._

________

He slowly came to a realization.

A realization that scared him.

 _God isn't real._ Repeated in his head over and over again. _God isn't real._

_God isn't real._

_God isn't **real**._

He rocked back and forth shivering, he had left the church door wide open when he frantically sprinted through them. Snow was floating into the building, but he paid no attention to it.

"Dear God," He couldn't silence the thoughts enough to think.

He couldn't pray.

This was a _sin_.

Doubting God is a _sin_.

_You're going to hell._

He recognized that voice.

He'd know it anywhere.

He was never given a name, but he knew it wasn't human. He _knew_ that voice.

He knew it too well. It made the feeling of shoes that are too tight and getting bitten by a dog pang in his gut.

 _"You're not good enough."_ He whispered into Tyler's ear. _"God has abandoned you. You're going to die alone. You're going to hell."_

He thought for a few long moments.

"You know what?" He whispered. "You're right."

He dropped the rosary on the floor and calmly left the church.

_Doubting God is a sin. He's forgotten you here._

________

"Hey, Ty! Come put your suit on its time for church!" He woke up to him mother calling him from the bottom of the stairs.

He had an almost-acrylic paint taste in his mouth. He didn't even know why.

Usually, he'd jump up an hour before everyone to get ready, he'd do a morning prayer at his window, and he'd dress his best before he went to his sanctuary, the feeling of melting marshmallows and witnessing a sunset on a warm day tingling throughout his bones.

But today.. today was different.

He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to pray. He didn't want to get dressed, or eat, or go to church.

It didn't feel like a sanctuary today.

Just another building full of hopeless dreams.

She quietly knocked on his door. "Ty? Honey? Are you okay? You're usually up by now."

"Y-Yeah mom. I just feel sick." He lied. He just.. didn't feel faithful today. But he was only half lying. Not feeling close to God was new to him, it felt like a disease.

"Oh. Okay, sweetie, just call if you need me. We'll be back in a few hours." She walked to his bed and placed her hand on his, kissing his forehead.

"I'll pray for you."

________

As soon as he heard the front door close and the car pull out of the driveway, he sat up in his bed.

_God has abandoned you._

"No.. he's just-"

_He forgot you._

"I'm sure he-"

_He left you here. He's never coming back._

He sat in silence for a few minutes.

He tried so hard to get those almost-acrylic paint thoughts out of his mind, but he couldn't. They overtook him, consumed him, they were killing him.

His only choice was to let them take over.

"Ok." He said quietly to the dark corner in his room.

_What was that?_

"I said, _okay_." He said it more confidently this time, a firm dog bite voice that vibrated his entire body.

_Good_

"So? What does this mean then?"

_You belong to me now._

Tyler winced a little, but he had no choice to let this happen. It was him or God, and the dark thoughts were his only choice when he couldn't force himself to believe.

It was either almost-acrylic paint or cold stone.

He didn't want cold stone. Not yet.

_Ok?_

"Ok."

A blurred, almost static-like hand reached out from that dark corner.

Tyler hesitated, but he reached for it as well. He took it into a firm, petrified handshake, the hand hurt to touch and felt like.. _cold stone?_

Before he could turn back, a dark blur lunged for him and tore into him though his eyes, nose, and mouth.

His whole body felt like cold stone.

 _Mine_. It chuckled. _All mine_.

________

He laid in bed staring at the ceiling.

On the outside, he just looked calm, exhausted.

On the inside though, it was a horrific battle.

Dog bitten broken promises pumped through his veins, everything hurt _so_ much.

Tears were pouring from his eyes, he clenched his fists and attempted with everything he had to silence that voice.

"What are you?? What do you want from me!?" He flipped over in his bed and sobbed into his pillow.

_"What do you want from me!?"_

Mockery, laughter, and almost-acrylic paint buzzed through his body. It hurt, he hurt, his head hurt. His brain pulsed, ached, suffered.

Cold stone didn't seem like the bad choice after all.

"Tyler? Honey? Are you feeling any better?" His mom snuck quietly through his door.

"M-mom.." He rolled onto his hands and knees, sobbing, pain electrocuting him with every move.

"Honey?? Are you okay?" She rushed to him, taking his shoulders and sitting down, laying his head in her lap.

"H-hurts.." He whimpered, squeezing his temples with the ball of his hands.

"Migraine?" She spoke sympathetically. A feeling of spring songbirds suddenly flowed from her voice, so calming and careful, and his pain started to subside.

She whispered quietly, she gently stroked his hair, his migraine softening with every touch. He wasn't crying anymore, the pulsing faded substantially, and he rolled over and buried his face in her leg. His breathing steadied, she rubbed his back soothingly, he relaxed and his grip on her dress loosened.

He felt peaceful, like a white swan again, but this time he was just drifting away on the river into a sweet, desperately needed sleep.

________

He woke up gripping his mom's arm as if his life depended on it, and she was asleep as well. The alarm clock was screaming bloody murder, he jerked awake and instinctively hit the large red button on top.

Red.

That's always been one of his tøp favorite colors.

He slipped away in attempt to let her sleep a little longer, but she reached out and grabbed his hand.

"Are you feeling okay enough for school?"

Oh goodness, he couldn't stay home and deal with another one of those episodes. Not with that.. _thing_ inside him.

"Y-yeah. I'm okay now, I promise." He smiled as realistically as possible, letting go of her hand and going to the bathroom.

He just kind of threw on some clothes, not really caring if they were clean or not, grabbed his stuff, and headed out the door.

He flinched at the unexpected temperature, which he didn't know why he wore such a thin jacket. It was the middle of winter for goodness sakes, probably barely 20 degrees on warmer days.

_Everyone is going to judge you today. Everything from your face to your feet, they'll laugh at you. Your neck, your hands, everything._

"So this is what you do, huh? Well, hate to tell you this, but I don't care what they think." I shook my head trying at actually not care.

 _Of course. We didn't formally meet, did we?_ He chuckled. _Hi, my name is blurryface. I care what everyone thinks._

"Well, I don't."

_You will._

Tyler didn't know how to take that really, but he didn't have time to ask as he walked into the corridor. People stared a lot, mostly at his tattoos, but he didn't mind. Yes, he was an 18 year old junior, because he was involved in church so much as a kid that he barely started fourth grade when he was 11. He knows it says in the Bible that you aren't supposed to damage your temple, your body, but he couldn't help himself. He got a cross as well, hoping it would soften the blow, and he plans to make up for it later. Many women piercing their ears, so what's the difference?

He didn't have many friends, he was too busy with prayer and volunteering at the church to make any. God was his melting marshmallows, surrounding people were chalky and rough. Like coal.

_That person over there? They're staring._

"I can see that."

_What are they thinking about? Hm??_

"I don't know, and I frankly don't care."

_Oh, but you do._

"N-no..-"

_Ahhh, there it is. You care. You care so much. Too much. Are they staring at your tattoos? Are they judging your hairstyle? Clothes?-_

"Stop." His voice cracked.

_Awee, is this getting to you?_

The bell rang, and he sighed and went to class.

Maybe he wasn't feeling well enough for school after all.

_______

School wasn't exactly the problem.

It was the migraines, the fear, it was all consuming him, his nerves, his soul.

It consumed him until he didn't feel anything at all.

The only time he felt was with blurryace, that almost-acrylic paint taste began to taste... _Good_.

He started to need it.

He started to rely on blurryface every second of every day.

He'd get himself into situations where he was bound to say something, bound to cause almost-acrylic paint to form itself harshly on Tyler's tongue.

The voice became all too similar, it was like Tyler was nothing but blurryface.

It was like blurryface was him, and he was blurryface.

Maybe blurryface wasn't real, maybe he didn't even exist.

It was just Tyler.

Still, Tyler felt incomplete without him. He needed blurryface. He was no good without him.

Blurryface didn't talk to him much anymore.

_Please._

_Don't forget me here, too._

_Not like he did._

________

He stopped going to school.

He still didn't go to church.

Migraines became a regular thing, after the first few his mom wasn't able to help any longer.

He couldn't remember melted marshmallows, he couldn't remember singing birds.

He couldn't remember what his favorite song looked like.

All he knew was the taste of almost-acrylic paint.

_______

_Leave me alone._

_Leave me alone.._

_Leave me alone!_

He couldn't take it anymore.

He just wanted to be alone.

He wanted to be alone, but not _feel_ alone.

He felt so numb, so desperate, it felt like his ceiling was slowly crushing him.

He couldn't breathe.

_He had to get out._

Hyperventilating, tripping over his sheets, he stumbled to his window.

With shaking hands, he unlatched the lock, slid it up, and he climbed outside.

He collapsed onto the frosty grass below his window, taking in gulps of fresh air, his body trembling in fear.

He stood and sprinted across the field, no particular direction, no particular destination, he just ran.

He ran, sobbing and exhausted, the almost-acrylic paint taste becoming almost unbearable, until he just dropped to his knees in front of the woods about a mile from his house.

**_"IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE!?"_ **

He screamed it with everything he had, only to hear his own disappointing voice echo back. He fell forward, his hands and face hitting the ground below him, and he gripped the grass as he quietly sobbed.

Cold stone was all he wanted now.

"Yes." He heard a voice say from a small distance. His breath hitched. He heard it a little closer this time.

"There is."

He slowly lifted his head, not sure whether to be relieved or afraid, to find a gentle hand extended his way.

He looked up to whose hand that was, and suddenly it was only relief.

He saw soft, brown eyes and a kind smile, firey red hair that threatened to cover those eyes. His eyes, they were unexplainable, like.. like when you see your favorite band member walk onto the stage.

He reached up and hesitantly took the boys hand, and the boy helped him to his feet and dusted him off.

"Hi."

"Hello."

His smile was so beautiful, so contagious, Tyler couldn't help but smile as well.

He didn't know what he was smiling for, but he was.

"I'm Josh." He held his out out once more, and Tyler didn't hesitate to take it this time.

"Tyler."

_______

"What were you doing out there?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Josh laughed. They had been walking through the tall trees for a while now, but Tyler didn't stop even once to question where they were going. Being lost in the woods with this mysterious boy, for some reason made him feel less lost. Almost not cold stone. No ceiling to limit him, no mirrors, no worries. He motioned for Tyler to follow, and they finally settled on top of a cliff that looked over the nearby city. Josh carelessly swung his legs over the edge, settling down like this definitely isn't the first time he's been here. When Tyler looked down, he felt a little dizzy. It was at least a hundred feet high, one wrong move and you for sure wouldn't survive. But with Joshs reassurance, he didn't hesitate to join him.

"Because it's nice to get out sometimes, you know?" He didn't even look over at Tyler, his gaze just remained forward. Intensely.

"Yeah.." His voice came out unintentionally small, and he pulled his knees to his chest.

His body was finally processing the temperature, the fact that he was in only basketball shorts and a muscle shirt didn't really help.

"So are you gonna tell me why you were out there? Why you were screaming at trees?"

Tyler felt kind of embarrassed. He had forgotten that Josh must have been there the whole time, how he probably saw him crying before he screamed at something that wasn't there.

The feeling of almost tipping back too far in your chair shot through him.

Josh must think he's crazy.

"I-Uh.. I just feel.. _Lost_ , I guess. I don't know, it's just this.. feeling I have, that I'm alone, how the only one who cared.. left me here." He couldn't make eye contact with Josh, he suddenly felt vulnerable and insignificant. He just looked down at the city and then closed his eyes.

But his eyes shot open when a warm hand grabbed his shoulder, pulling his body over into a tight hug.

"Well, you're not alone anymore."

He was shocked for a moment, but he smiled and wrapped his arms around the other boy as well.

He felt something he hasn't felt in a long time.. it felt like...

_Melting marshmallows?_

_______

"You're turning purple."

Tyler flinched out of his mind set, nothing had been said since the hug about two hours ago.

He was leaning on Josh's shoulder tiredly without even thinking about it, Josh's arm around his waist as they watched the city silently go to sleep.

The lights were so beautiful, as the sun went down and the city went dark, they sparkled like man-made stars. It was like a sky, one that was touchable.

The sky that _isn't_ the limit.

But, altogether, it still wasn't as beautiful as this mysterious boy.

It's strange, they barely know anything about each other, they only just met..

But it's like they've known each other for forever.

And Tyler kind of liked that.

"Your skin is so _cold_.." Josh cupped his hands around Tylers, bringing them to his mouth and gently breathing warm air onto them.

Tyler sat in awe, no one has ever made such a careful or kind gesture before.

... Not even God.

That's when he realized it.

Josh cares. Josh won't let Tyler be alone or scared. Josh isn't like blurryface,

Or God,

Or himself.

He's Tylers friend now.

His new melting marshmallows.

_Josh is Tyler's new religion._

"Come on" He stood up, helping Tyler to his feet. "Let's go to my house."

_______

They weren't walking for very long before they ran across a quaint little house. It was a bit isolated, but that was okay with Tyler. The sun was peaking in the sky, but it was still below twenty degrees for sure.

"Come, I have blankets."

Tyler happily followed, he was turning a dangerously dark color of purple.

He settled in front of the fireplace, the house seemed a bit abandoned, so there wasn't much there to keep the cold out.

Josh flicked a match into the black ash, it instantly ignited into a warm, flickering fire.

It burned a little, the instant warmth, but Tyler liked it.

Josh threw a large, fluffy blanket around himself and sat beside Tyler, offering half of it which Tyler gladly accepted.

"T-t-thank you." He shivered.

"You're welcome, Ty."

Tyler didn't know why, but he blushed a little at the nickname.

"S-so this is w-where you l-live?"

"Yeah." Josh half smiled, scooting them both closer to the fire when he noticed Tyler shivering. He grabbed Tyler's waist and pulled him closer, using his body heat to keep Tyler as warm as possible."

"Is looks so.. abandoned."

"It was." He simply stated. Tyler looked at Josh curiously, tiredly, and contemplated on what to say to that. He didn't have to say anything though, Josh spoke before he could.

"This was my family's summer cabin. There was a fire when my mom spilled oil on a burner, and it burned the whole kitchen and hallway up. We were gonna rebuild it, because it's kind of unusable without a kitchen and a rather large hole in the hallway roof, but we never did. We stopped camping, we lived normally in the city, whatever. One day it was snowing and my dad went on a drive, he crashed into a light pole and died on impact.." His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. He blinked the tears away and continued. "I loved my dad, he was one of the most important people in the world to me, and we all had a hard time coping. My mom drank a lot after that, I just didn't like it, and so I left on my 18th birthday. I haven't been living here long, it's not easy, but I manage." He chuckled darkly.

"What about you? Tell me about yourself."

Tyler didn't even blink. He trusted this boy, he'd do whatever he asked, he'd bow to him and praise him every second of every day if it meant he'd get to be close to him like he is right now.

"Well.. I live in that house that's about a mile from the woods. I live with my mom, dad, two brothers and sister. We're a Christian family, or were, but.. I don't know if I believe anymore." Tyler looked sad, beyond sad, like not believing was tearing him apart. Josh wanted to hug him, tell him it was okay, but he wanted more to let Tyler finish.

"I'm 18, I'm a junior, but I guess that doesn't matter, I stopped going to school because..." He bit his tongue.

"Because?"

Tyler sighed.

"You can tell me, Ty."

"You'll think I'm crazy."

"Please." He grasped Tyler's hand with his own.

Tyler took a deep breath.

"Because.. of blurryface. Everything tastes like almost-acrylic paint, and coal, it's so bitter and unpleasant that it's almost too much for me to handle. I'm scared, I'm so fucking petrified of what's coming next. My migraines are out of control, I'm losing touch with the people I love most, I tell them I'm okay, but I'm lying.. I'm _so_ very far from fine!" He was crying at this point, hard, tears stained his cheeks nonstop and he started to shake.

He's never felt so scared.

"God abandoned me, he's long gone, blurryface is leaving me, too. I can't take the pressure of fear anymore, uncertainty, all I want is stone cold, but I'm afraid of that, too. I-I don't know who to follow, that scares me more than anything..."

"So follow me instead."

"Wh-" He was stopped by lips crashing into his. This should feel wrong, so wrong, he only met this boy yesterday. Be didn't even know his last name, he only knew what he's been told, and he didn't even know if that's the truth.

But... This felt so _right_.

He wasn't scared, he wasn't thinking about his insecurities, his uncertainties, God, blurryface, none of that.

All he could focus on was this boys soft, songbird-like lips.

This was the opposite of what he's been feeling, it wasn't almost-acrylic paint, or dog bite, or numbness.

All he could taste was.. melting, toasted marshmallows. It was like a sugar high, no- better than that, like, the positive side of the hardest drugs out there all crashed into one. He felt like he was flying, soaring, he didn't ever want to come back down. It wasn't like when your favorite band member walks out on stage anymore, it was like meeting your favorite band member. Like hugging them, hearing them tell you everything will be okay, and believing them. It wasn't like what your favorite song looks like anymore, it was like what your favorite song sounds like, feels like, tastes like, smells like, everything. Every detail, even the ones you didn't even know you could figure out, or ever fathom, all packed into this one boys gentle lips.

It all soon ended though, feeling like Tylers soul was torn viciously from its place.

"We're broken people. Believe me, I know. But you're still perfect in every way, I can see that, and only few will understand. And I do. No matter what it takes, I will make you believe you're lovely."

Tyler's eyes were soaking, no one has ever said anything like that before. He's never felt so appreciated, so cared for, so.. _loved_. Not even by a man who he worshiped nonstop for over fifteen years, not by the family he lives with every day, not by the people at school. Then he thought, maybe the amount of time you know someone doesn't matter. Whether it's two days, two months, or two years, it doesn't matter. It's the person, the soul, the mind. Destiny, chemistry, it's all a part of it. Not time, place, nor gender.

It's your _soulmate_ for a reason.

He grabbed Joshs shirt and pulled him back into a kiss, not hesitating at all, knowing that this was okay. This wasn't wrong. Josh gently slipped his hand to Tyler's cheek, cupping his face, and deepened the kiss to unbelievably remarkable, breathtaking, unforgettable levels. He pulled Tyler onto his lap without breaking the kiss, holding him close and savoring every moment. Every taste, whimper, sensation; it was all savored.

After what felt like an eternity of better-than-heaven, Josh gently pulled away. His lips were barely an inch from Tyler's, their eyes still shut and their breaths still quick, but Tyler still felt empty. It was like without that touch, without better-than-heaven, he was incomplete. He felt at peace, though, when he could feel Josh's hot breath ghosting his now-red lips.

When he felt the warmth fade and eventually disappear, he allowed his eyes to flutter open. He saw pure beauty sitting across from him, or, rather his was sitting on pure beauty, and he blushed rapidly when he remembered he was on Josh's lap. That was okay, though, because Josh had a very obvious red tint to his cheeks as well.

_Red._

_Red._

It was all red. Their kiss-bitten lips, their cheeks, Tyler's eyes, and Joshs beautiful curly hair.

Red just might be his only favorite color after all.

"I'm tired."

"Sleep?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Josh laid back on the cold floor to spare Tyler, letting Tyler snuggle on his warm chest under the blanket. He wasn't shivering anymore, he wasn't cold, he wasn't purple.

He was glowing golden.

Josh smiled when he thought about this boy, the one he had just met, and how he's never felt so happy before now, before he was snoring quietly on his chest.

He closed his eyes, wrapped his arms protectively around Tyler, and hummed to a non-existent tune before he drifted off as well.

_______

Tyler opened his eyes in a panic, but almost immediately calmed when he remembered last night.

Those arms are Josh's arms. This is his chest, his heartbeat, his soft snores. He smiled, relaxed, and enjoyed his melting marshmallows, the taste of Josh's lips on his tongue instead of almost-acrylic paint. The no migraine, the warmth and the serenity, the not-fear. He glanced out the window, to see it was dark, which was odd. He listen to Josh's heartbeat for hours until he fell back asleep.

_______

"Ty? Baby?"

He woke up with a smile on his face, taking in a deep breath of Josh's wonderful musk.

"Hey." He yawned and set his chin on Josh's chest to look at him. He hadn't noticed the nose piercing until now, but he looked great with it.

"Hey." He looked down at Tyler, his gorgeous teeth showing through a huge smile.

They sat like that for several minutes, looking into each other's eyes, and Josh gently rubbing Tyler's back.

Then worry spread across Tyler's face.

 _Mom_. He thought. He had to get home, she must be worried sick.

He jumped up and dropped the blanket, slipping his shoes on and running for the door.

"Where are you going??"

"I have to get home.." His wrist was caught in a tight grasp, he looked up at Josh who had hurt and dog-bitten bad news in his eyes.

"Josh, I'm sorr-" The meeting your favorite band member in better-than-heaven feeling hit him like a freight train, more vivid than yesterday. Josh's tongue glided along, dancing in perfect sync with Tyler's, then he kissed his jawline and his neck. He nibbled on Tyler's sensitive skin, sending thrilled shivers down his spine, his hands roaming the beautiful taller boys body.

He settled on Tyler's zipper, toying with it until Tyler unexpectedly pushed his hand away.

He pulled away, not able to look Josh in the eyes, his cheeks redder than before.

"I-I have to go.. I'm sorry." His voice cracked and he pushed past Josh and out the door.

He luckily remembered how they got from the cliff to Josh's house, and how his house is in the opposite direction.

He started walking, trembling from the bitter-cold, and kept his eyes on the ground.

He stopped and turned around, listening, when he heard what sounded like a twig snapping. He was like a deer in the headlights, like an antelope during a lion's hunt, frozen and fearful.

He saw something move in between two trees, and he turned and sprinted. He ran as fast as his shaking legs would carry him, not looking back, absolute fear making his blood run cold. His pupils were dilated, his breaths were quick, and his heart was racing dangerously fast.

He arrived at his residence, and his door opened when he was about twenty feet away.

"Tyler? Tyler! Where have you been!?" His mom looked like a mess, her hair was unbrushed, her eyes were surrounded with dark circles, and her cheeks were tear-stained. He stopped in his tracks when he saw a truck, his fathers truck, and a red blotch on his mom's cheek.

"It's only been a night.. I'm an adult-"

"It's been _five days_ , Tyler!" She sobbed, running out and pulling him into a tight hug. She pulled away with furrowed eyebrows, placing her hand on his cheek.

_Five days?? How??-_

"You smell like.. smoke. And cologne? Where were you?"

He looked at her fearfully, and she understood exactly what it meant.

"Tyler!" A voice boomed from his house, making him and his mom both jump.

"Y-Yes father?"

"You heard her question, answer her! Where the hell were you??"

"I-I already answered, sir-"

He leaned against the doorframe and smiled, crossing his arms.

"Come here, boy."

Shaking, he made his way over, his dad standing straight and meeting him in the middle. His dad stared intensely into his eyes for a moment, before they shot over to his neck and burned with fury. He grabbed Tyler's jaw and forced it sideways, exposing the light red bite marks Josh had left. His dad looked okay with it for a moment, almost proud, until he smelled an unfamiliar smell.

To Tyler, it was melted marshmallows and better-than-heaven mixed together.

To everyone else, it was just another boys cologne.

He shoved Tyler back onto the grass.

"WHAT THE HELL?? A BOY?? ARE YOU SERIOUS??"

"D-Dad I'm sorry.."

"A FAGGOT! OF ALL LESSONS GOD COULD HAVE TAUGHT ME, AND HE TEACHES ME HOW TO RAISE A FAGGOT?? A SINNER??" He connected his foot to Tyler's ribs with a crack, earning a loud sob from his mom.

"SHUT UP, YOU BITCH! THIS IS YOUR FAULT, TOO!"

"Don't talk to her like that.."

There was a pause.

"Excuse me?"

"I said." Tyler struggled to his feet, still trying to catch his breath and tears burning his eyes, clenching his fists furiously. He felt a new feeling, like.. when someone rips your headphones out of your ears. "Don't talk to her like that."

His dad chuckled, then threw a punch across Tyler's jaw, sending him stumbling back. Stubbing your toe, a paper cut, hitting your shin, and getting punched in the gut all shot through his jaw at once, the pain almost too much to handle. His mom ran forward this time, standing in between her son and her husband.

"Chris-" She was cut off by him backhanding her.

All Tyler felt was dog bitten and confused, the almost-acrylic paint taste coming back abruptly.

No, this was metallic.

He was bleeding.

His dad lunged for him, his mom holding him back as much as possible.

"Your room! Lock the door!" She yelled.

He panicked, taking a few steps back and then turning away, doing as she said.

All he heard was offensive slang, profanity, and hate being spat behind his back, pleas from his mom, and petrified cries from his siblings.

 _If God was real, he wouldn't let that happen._ He thought. _Or, maybe that's punishment for being gay._

That's why he left Josh earlier, he didn't want to disobey the Bible, but he regrets it. God didn't care anyway, so why not just be with Josh?

He locked his bedroom door, sitting under the window with his knees to his chest. He sobbed, from pain and anger, and he tugged at his hair. He's caused so much grief for his family, maybe making himself stone cold would be good for everyone...

Tugging soon became pulling, ripping, tearing. He started to rip his hair out, sobbing desperately and rocking back and forth.

Why is he still alive?

Why does he keep doing things so _wrong_?

He tasted blood, blood and paint, he was so afraid, terrified, petrified, angry, he was dog bitten, he was a sinner, he was hurting people and doing no good for anyone..

He laid on his side and curled up in a ball, sobbing quitetly until he fell unconscious.

______

_Gay._

_Faggot._

_Screw up._

_Sinner._

_Forgetable._

_He was hoping he'd never hear that voice again._

_"What do you want from me?"_

_He said, weakly, almost hopelessly._

_"I'm telling you what you are."_

_He was standing in the middle of a dark room, the only spotlight on him._

_But then, someone stepped into another light a few feet away._

_It was.. him?_

_He was gray, he had red eyes, and he looked emotionless._

_"Haven't you taken enough from me? Won't you torture someone else's sleep?"_

_"Oh, no no, Tyler." He clicked his tongue. "I'm just getting started with you."_

_Another figure stepped into the light, this one had firey red hair and melting marshmallow eyes._

_"Josh?"_

_"I hate you." He simply stated._

_"W-what?"_

_"I hate you. I used you for a nice make out, I was hoping for more but you let me down. You're worthless. Disgusting."_

_"Nonono you're lying! That isn't Josh!"_

_They both repeated these things, their voices loud and echoing, unable to block out, tearing at Tyler's heart with no remorse._

_He tried to run, he was getting no where, all he saw was hatred and betrayal in Josh's golden brown eyes. He sobbed, he begged, he tore at his skin trying to get away, get out, get free._

______

He woke up to himself tearing at his bare arms with his fingernails, choking on sobs, begging for it to stop.

He looked at his hands, his crimson, shaking hands, and he felt sort of.. calm.

Red.

What a beautiful color.

He jumped when he heard tapping on his window, scared to see who was there.

Relief washed over him when he saw Josh there, smiling.

He opened it, stepping back to let him in.

No words were spoken, just soft lips pressed together.

Tranquility spread through him to his core, he didn't care about the sting when Josh's arms brushed his.

Josh pulled away, looking at Tyler in the eyes with sympathy and the sounds of violins.

He had witnessed what happened earlier.

"Follow me instead." He repeated.

He grabbed Tyler's crimson hand and led him to the window, they both climbed out and rejoined hands, sprinting in the direction of the woods.

_______

"L-love you.. Josh.." He whimpered.

"I love you too, Tyler."

His muscles tensed up, then clenched and released for a few moments, he felt the same thing happen to Josh above him.

His grip on the blanket loosened, a low hum was heard from the other boys chest.

Tyler was high, higher than that sugar-hard-drug high, soaring higher than ever before and somehow at peace on the ground at the same time. This was better than better-than-heaven, his mind could barely comprehend it.

He was high on Josh.

The other boy laid beside him, their breathing deep and in sync, and they both rolled to their sides to face each other.

They laid, eye to eye and their fingers intertwined, for several minutes before Josh's eyes shifted to Tyler's arm.

"Hm."

"What?"

"Red."

"Oh."

Tyler looked at Josh's chest shamefully, only to wince confusedly and look at Josh with furrowed eyebrows when he slid his finger across Tyler's open skin.

"Red." He said quietly, Tyler's eyes following his finger as it made its way to his chest.

" _Means love._ " He drew a blotchy heart right over Tyler's, laying his hand down on the floor and staring at his work with a smile.

" _Love._ " Tyler repeated, reaching to his arm and then doing to Josh what he had done to Tyler.

Josh looked at his chest, then up at Tyler. He looked confused, but happy, his eyes glowing and dark all at once.

"I love you." He whispered.

"I love you, too."

Tyler smiled.

"Sorry about earlier." Josh said quietly, sympathetically, and Tyler's smile faded.

"You don't have to apologize. My dad's just a piece of shit scum of the earth."

"At least you have one."

Tyler looked at Josh questioningly.

"I'd rather have no dad than a homophobic abuser."

Josh looked hurt, angry. The feeling of someone bumping your arm when you're writing with pen gleaming in this eyes.

"Hey, don't get mad at me. It's not my fault your dad's dead."

_Not my fault._

_Not my fault..._

_"It's your fault, Josh! It's all your fault!" His mom screamed at him from where the police restrained her. She sobbed, fought, screamed and cursed at six year old Josh._

_"I spy with my little eye, something... Blue!"_

_The man chuckled._

_"Hmmm... Your shirt?"_

_"Nope!"_

_"The air freshener?"_

_"No!" Josh giggled._

_"What about the sky?"_

_"Uh huh!"_

_"Good job, Josh." He chuckled again. "Now, my turn."_

_"I spy with my little eye, something-"_

_A deer ran out in front of the car._

_There was a screech._

_Scream._

_Crash._

_Silence._

_Josh groaned quitetly. He had whipped forward, but he was too small to reach the glove compartment. The air bag had failed, leaving him with a little pain in his back muscles, and a little bruise from his cheek hitting his knee._

_He turned to the man beside him._

_"Daddy?" He said quietly. He was face first on the steering wheel, visable blood running down his face, the horn and onto his jeans._

_There was a lot of it._

_"Daddy?" He said again, more frantic, and shaking his dad's arm._

_"Dad? Daddy! Wake up!" He screamed and shook his arm harder, tears beginning to pour from his eyes._

_"Daddy I'm sorry!"_

"I think you should leave." He spoke firmly, blinking away the tears threatening his eyes.

"What?" Tyler said quietly.

"Go. Get out." He stood up, turning away from the boy on the floor.

Tyler stood up with him, reaching for his shoulder. "Wait, Josh i-"

"It's my fault, okay?? She was right! Now go! Leave before I ruin your life, too!" He turned and shoved Tyler powerfully towards the door, fear and worry spread across his face.

"Wait-"

"Leave!"

"Josh, I'm sorry!"

"Get out! I hate you!"

He shoved Tyler out the door, slamming it in his face, and the last words feeling like he stuck Tyler's heart on a red hot burner.

"Wait! Josh! I'm sorry! Don't abandon me, too!" He screamed through the door, but no avail.

_What have I done_

_I've lost him_

_Oh my God, it's my fault_

_I've lost my melting marshmallows_

He stumbled through the trees, sobbing and shaking, and the voice becoming unbearable. The feeling of a loved one dying ached in his chest.

"Josh, I'm so sorry!" He fell to his knees. He gripped the grass and sobbed harder than he's ever sobbed before.

_He's left me_

_He's going to forget me_

_Just like everyone else has_

"Mom" He stood up. "I need mom.."

He stumbled home, uncoordinated and feeling lower than he's ever felt.

He barreled through the door. "Mom! Mom I need you!"

He searched every room, every corner.

There was nothing but broken glass and nails in the wall.

_Nononono this can't be happening_

His brain began to pulse. This was one of the worst migraines he's ever experienced.

He stepped outside again, and supported his weight on the doorframe as he vomited into the flower bush. It tasted like devastation.

_Everyones gone_

_Everyone abandoned me._

_______

"Tyler?? Tyler!" Josh screamed and ran through the trees, frantically searching for the boy that he's fallen for.

_Ohgodohgodohgod_

"Tyler! Tyler where are you?! Please come back! I didn't mean it!"

_Where could he be??_

_His house ??_

Josh sprinted as fast as he could in the direction of Tylers house, his lungs on fire and feeling like they're going to burst.

_I need you_

_I love you, Tyler_

_Please, don't leave_

_I'd rather have you than a father any day.._

He finally arrived to the house, the door wide open and the lights off. He ran inside, finding emptiness and no Tyler.

"Tyler?? Ty-" He stopped when he spotted a piece of paper on the floor in the kitchen.

_"Tyler,_

_Your father wouldn't leave, so we left him. We're sorry we didn't wait, he was starting to get dangerously violent. We took everything, we have your room set up here, please, if you find this, come to us. We're at your aunt's house. We love you, we waited as long as we could, but we had to go. Come home, honey._

_~mom ❤"_

  
Tyler hadn't found the note.

He thought everyone left him.

Where else would he?-

_Oh no_

Josh dropped the paper with wide eyes and sprinted out the door.

_The cliff._

He sprinted through the woods, fear building up in his system, and hatred towards himself seeping from his pores.

_What have I done_

_Why would I do this to him??_

He arrived at the clearing, running along the edge to where he had sat with Tyler that night.

_Don't do this Tyler, don't fucking do this_

He finally got there, whipping his head around in search of the boy.

He finally spotted a silhouette of a small, trembling boy, sobs and whimpers audible from the distance he was standing from.

He stood tall, bringing his arms to his chest, and taking a deep breath.

Josh was sprinting, still too far away to get Tyler.

"TYLE-"

He turned around, hope on his face, but it was far too late.

_Tyler jumped._

_Josh screamed._

_Tyler disappeared._

A tiny white thing reflected the dim sunlight, fluttering in the wind like a leaf, Josh ran to the edge and caught it before it could fall with Tyler.

His heart sank at the four words Tyler had left him.

_"Don't forget about me."_

He looked over to see red, so much red, and a lifeless Tyler a hundred feet below him.

Suddenly, red wasn't his favorite color anymore.

" _NO_!" He fell to his hands and knees, eyes wide and the gravel and note clenched in his fists.

"Tyler.." He whimpered, tears pouring down his face and into the dirt.

"Tyler I'm so sorry.." He sobbed hard, then punched the ground repeatedly with his eyes squeezed shut.

"This is all my fault!"

He hit himself in the face, pulling at his hair in complete devastation and anger.

"I.." He decided then and there what he needed to do. "I'll follow you instead."

He stood and looked down, closing his eyes and leaning forward.

He opened his eyes again to see a ledge, just before he hit it and rolled a little before falling the last fifty feet.

When he hit the ground, it felt like all of his insides imploded. This was the most excruciating pain he had ever felt, other than knowing that it was him who had caused Tyler's death.

He gasped for air, unable to breathe correctly past the blood pouring from the corners of his mouth like candle wax, lifting his head gently to look over at Tyler. He weakly dragged himself a few feet, reaching for Tyler's body with the hand that wasn't holding onto the note for dear life. He was just a few inches away...

But his arm fell limp.

 


End file.
